Saturday, November 03, 2007

 

11.03.07-11.29.07

So clutch.

But I don't want to be relying on that.

You know, I wish I could drown my sorrows in those ways like some of you.

But I can't.

I can't because the risk of that for me is death.

And that's a far cry worse than anything that can be thrown at me at the moment.

It is for you too.

Really-- it could be a lot worse, my friend.

I've been finding it so hard to focus.

The only person that has the power to discourage you is yourself.

Words only have as much power are you allow them to.

It's like those who are trying to reform "women" to "womyn."

By sticking by this new spelling, they themselves are acknowledging and implying that the word "women" lacks power and that the "-men" contained delineates it.

It's a word. It's not marginalizing them. They're inducing the "strangle" it has against them.

They should instead focus their value and pride within the original spelling.

You claim power into a certain symbol and it becomes just that.

Really? Is this really happening?

Is it even a good time?

What a buckling smile this one has.

Does this hold any potential at all?

Why am I thinking about it so hard, more importantly?

I think a major downfall of most people is that they want to be noticed.

Just let it go.

You'll find that things'll happen to you more often.

Trust me.

If I told you what you really look like... you'd be flattered.

Talent's over-rated if you're laying in the dirt. Don't be jerk-- you owe it yourself to make it work.

Why does it seem like "bad" people live longer?

It's never been proven, but even if it is true, there could be a multitude of reasons.

"Bad" people wouldn't get as much sympathy, so maybe there's less attention brought to their mourning or whatnot.

I just like to think that "good" people have already "figured it out" and so their time "here" is really just a "waste" in the bigger scheme of things.

Damn you, Chris Brown.

I've always wanted to cover that song.

For the first time this year, I fail, in my own eyes.

It's not a feeling that you can shake so easily.

I can't help but feel responsible.

Making plays and making changes.

Adaptation-- that's what's up.

You know what feeling I've been missing lately?

The feeling of doing that one little thing for that person, knowing that it brings them pleasure.

And also being aware that no one else has that knowledge, nor could they ever hope to reproduce something of the same magnitude.

And it makes your whole being smile.

Yeah, that feeling.

I remember this one instance, waaaay back in the day. Maybe middle school?

It was when Super Smash Bros. for the N64 had recently come out and the N64 was still hot on the market.

I was at a Best Buy or a Fry's or something that had the game on display. You know, where it's in the middle of the aisle and people are free to play it?

I remember standing there and watching this kid just whomp on people, adults even.

And he was running his mouth like his ish didn't stink. It was rather annoying. I really don't believe in gloating unless it's really necessary.

So, it came to be my turn and I must've been there for over an hour. It was just me and him.

I humbled him something proper. He started yelling profanities and whining like a little punk.

I think what really got him was the fact that he was my senior by a couple years and he couldn't even step to me at a decent level.

I just smiled and walked away while he fumed to himself, yelling at me. He wanted a victory, and he wasn't just going to let me walk away undefeated. But I did. There wasn't a thing he could do.

And there he stood, just further making a complete ass out of himself.

I felt modestly accomplished. Granted, it was just a video game, but it was that day I discovered how much I loved masking my abilities, and then using them to shut people up.

Man, it felt good.

I'm rather fond of surprising people. Even moreso, I love putting people in check.

Keeps them on their toes, I would like to think.

It doesn't matter that bad things happen to you. Bad things happen to all of us.

Some people have more problems than others, but we all have problems, regardless.

What does matter is how you deal with it.

Now, you can deal with it like a failure or you can deal with it like a champion.

Man up and prove your worth.

Prove it not to me, not to your peers, not to your parents.

Prove it to yourself.

I really hate this phrase, but...

"Stop acting like a little girl."

I think a major problem for most guys is that they're afraid of just having platonic friendships.

Get over yourselves.

There's a difference between thinking you're a G and actually being a G.

Good decisions rarely make for good stories.

You can't save everyone.

And this is my life.

I've been dreaming about her a lot lately when perhaps I shouldn't be.

Here I am. I make my stand. I refuse to sleep a wink...

'cause it's you I see when I close my eyes, even when I blink.

The month's almost over and a not a single piece of prose. Sad face. Tear.

Martial artists are able to do what they do because they constantly expose their bodes through rigorous dangers. By fracturing their bones, they allow them to heal and calcify, making them stronger than before.

The nomads make the desert no less than they are made by it.

Turn it upside down-- now does it seem the same?

Autonomy is an important thing.

I sometimes feel like my life is a show, and I'm narrating the end where the big idea of the episode is broken down.

Always performing?

So, I usually doing an image or an e-card for every holiday.

I didn't have time to do one for either Halloween or Thanksgiving this year.

The thought made me frown.

I conjured up an exquisite piece of writing in my head a couple of days back, but I was unable to write it down at the time and now I cannot recall verbatim the exact wording.

That thought made me frown as well because it was beautiful and so very encapsulating of how she makes me feel.

Freestyle versus choreo.

That's just life.

Hurt feelings. Stupid arguments.

People are inherently selfish and misplace value into things.

You realize how he's only in that position because he survived, right?

You really want to be apart of that?

Like plastic surgery, I only believe in working out for health, not aesthetics.

I know the existence of an unconditional hug, free from false intention or draperies of guile.

I've experienced losing the feelings within my legs, what some refer to as getting "weak in the knees."

To be kissed with a passion so deeply that you find yourself falling welcomely into a void whose only source of light are nothing but the reflections from the eyes of the one opposite you is a scenario that I've been trapped in before.

It's not mythological. It's not fantasy. It's something that infinitely exists.

And it's something that, if I don't have, I will continue to strive for. Something of that magnitude is worth the patience, worth the distraction and worth the potential pain because the grievances of the lows are nothing in comparison to the glories of the ups.

Something like apotheosis.

So keep on keeping on, mo'fruckah!

So, I realized what that strange lurking within me was-- it was intuition.

I don't understand how it even came to this point.

Don't make me do this.

Don't be stupid.

You're smarter than this-- I know this.

You start on that, and I start on you.

...and you know how I roll.

It's deep.

You're above this.

Constant pain all around me.

She gave me this look that just made me want to hold her in my arms.

Jammit.

Stop making wishes and start making plays.

You ever wake up with your shirt on backwards?

I've been playing with that analogy a lot lately. My apologies.

I am currently battling with an emotion unfamiliar to me.

There's a restlessness within the confines of myself that has been whittling down the "me" that I am accustomed to.

I try to rekindle my relationship with myself, but it's as if there's a newly punctured hole in my tank who continually siphons my ardor.

You know, I thought I found myself a long time ago.

But lately, I'm not so sure.

What am I living for?

Who am I living for?

I am capable of intense focus, I noticed.

It's almost sleep-like.

I'm able to create such an empty void in my head-- the lack of visuals heightens my sense of hearing and smell.

It's intense.

Is that what deep meditation is?

TBS keeps showing 40 Days and 40 Nights and Harold and Kumar: Go To White Castle.

Yeeeeeah.

I'm so hoooood.

I can't but feel responsible.

I'm not being a good leader at the moment.

How could I let things build up in such a manner?

What kind of example am I setting?

I can handle it if you can.

I'm seeing a lot more Asians on campus this year. That's always cool.

The world'll continue to turn, with or without me.

Comfortable.

Such a distraction-- but a good one.

No... don't you do it, Ryan Mose.

Don't you do it.

"Research has shown that telling a teacher that a pupil will bloom intellectually over the next year results in an increase in the pupil's IQ score. In short, teachers' expectations can influence students' performances."

Dating back to even when the Greeks were busy creating myths and legends, there have been numerous documentations and stories of dolphins protecting those within the confines of the ocean from debris and predators. Their weapon of choice?

A ring of protection.

I can write stories, I just can't tell them very well.

Same with directions. Kind of.

I know how to get to places, and I could probably tell you, but I hardly remember street names.

Crackin' Mondays, I heard?

Getting kicked out of a 24 hour Mexican food joint?

That's just how BADASSes roll, I suppose.

Time management? I lack it.

I might have added too much to my plate currently, but it's nothing I can't handle.

Fatigue-- it's getting to me.

I'm getting that restless feeling, like I'm tanked.

It's never been this bad before.

Some would say it's about the trip, not the destination.

Like waking up with your shirt on backwards.

You ever feel like your life is a movie or a TV show?

You're only "really living" if you have yourself some scars.

While the time goes, "...tick, tock, tick, tock..."

You see what I'm doing here?

Right here? Right now?

I'm changing subjects.

Yeah.

I'm pretty good at that sometimes.

You know what's great about coming home in November?

Leftover Halloween candy.

Yeeeeeeah.

The only thing more dangerous than someone who has nothing to lose is someone who is fighting for something or someone other than himself.

So, this weekend's supposed to be a getaway?

Not so much.

I'm a Taurus-- a grip of pride, they say.

Never really bought it.

I have enough pride to put it aside.

It's troubling, some of the things that our generation inputs value into.

You are one to talk.

Sure, they may have done things that moral society wouldn't agree with, but at the time, those were their only options as their backs were up against the wall. I'd like to know what you would've done if faced with those situations.

They're still people and they're still capable of making good, not only in themselves, but in this world.

I'll be damned if anyone attempts to take that away from them.

Everyone's had a tattered past. What makes you so special?

You're not that cool.

They are better people than you'll ever be. Get over yourself.

There's been a lot of talk lately about things that have transpired in the past and the events that have shaped people.

A lot of talk about key moments in one's history, and how much of an impact they have on these individuals.

A lot of talk concerning what and what isn't deserved.

A lot of talk of how some things do and don't leave you.

A lot of talk of how certain ghosts continue to haunt certain people.

A lot of talk about dwelling.

A lot of talk about moving on.

A lot of talk dealing with distractions.

A lot of talk that affects me in ways they don't realize.

Complement, not suplement.

You know not the glory of your own existence.

I welcome being sick because it actually gives me a break.

It gives me a break from school and all the things that constantly keep me "busy."

It gives me time to sit back, ruminate, reflect and re-evaluate everything around me and it's a reminder that there's more out there than just work.

It annoys me, not because of the fact I'm physically unwell, but because of the fact that my physical hindrance is stopping me from enjoying my day doing something I want to.

People say "carpe diem" and to "seize the day."

Well, I'll tell you that you can't do that. Not with the way life is structured as is.

You can, however, enjoy the day.

And I think that's what it comes down to.

Enjoy the day.

Or I'll fight you.

I remember all of your dreams.

I will protect everyone.

You gotta ask yourself, "Why are you still here?"

I know you want to hold on to and cherish those good memories, but you have to compare their weight and value to all the discourse that's occurring.

There are so many things in life that can make you just as happy and even more frequently.

It's one thing to be selfish, but you have to also think about the both of you.

Is it really worth it?

The same goes for the other end of the situation.

You may have been damaged in the past and you're coasting as of right now...

but could you be happier?

There's always that chance.

Always.

Original Mind Ninja, don't you forget it.

It's at that point again where I'm not the one reminding myself-- it's others that are reminding me that I'm Ryan Mose.

If only I were that cool.

My life is like a mine-field.

Except the mines come in two flavors: heart-to-hearts and tragedies.

Tragedies ranging from 1-10. 1 equating to "not really tragic, but really a downer." 10 equating to "I don't feel like moving today."

Heart-to-hearts ranging from 1-10. 1 being "oh, this is fun." 10 being "if I don't get this off my chest, I might kill someone."

One day she will experience all the joys that I know of, once again flourishing in what it is to just plainly exist and to feel.

Here's an idea: talk to the girl.

It seems at the moment that my only ambition are others' emergence and copacetics.

Smiles will motivate you to do a lot of things.

I love when you're walking around and you make eye contact with someone and you both just smile at each other.

And then you have that fraction-of-a-second flash of thought in your head, so you ask them how they're doing, and they reciprocate notions of banter.

And you've just made a connection in both of your lives, no matter how small.

You're now acquaintances.

And the best part is when you see these people often on campus-- and you realize that you would've seen them just as often, but you're just now aware of it because you took the time to bridge that gap.

I ran across some of my old burnt CD's that I brought up to rip from.

Those are some definite jams on those badboys.

But I was looking at some of the titles: Romancing #1-10? Basorexia #1-5? Groove Theory #1-10?

The sad part is that they worked?

Oh, man... I would totally have a problem with myself if I had met myself back then now.

If that made any sense.

My, how I have grown.

I wear the night like a cloak 'cause I move with the stars.

I wish there were more hours in the day.

I wish I had an excuse.

I wish I didn't have such a good lock on my emotions.

My apartment smells like quesarritos right now and it's making me hungry.

But I don't have a car up here.

I am this close to running on empty.

Tragic, really.

I can be the coolest person when I'm quite satiated.

But I can have the coolest demeanor when I'm not.

This is where that nice kick to the face from a closely personal someone would come in handy.

Why put up with that?

There's this general notion in society that a female is the one to be taken care of, to be cradled.

A woman should be able to stand on her own, in full glory, rightfully so, just as any man is favored to.

Those echelons shouldn't exist.

We shouldn't be taking care of them-- we should be supporting them.

Everyone believes that they should get theirs and that they're deserving of it all.

Well, I'll tell you, life consists of a tug and pull, of an ebb and flow.

You gotta give to get.

Be grateful. Be respectful.

In all seriousness.

Locking up, son. No reversion here.

I refuse to be that man-- nay, that boy, again.

'Cause deep down I'm still a G.

It's not that easy.

I say nice things.

But I never lie.

I would never let somebody break you down.

I try to live in a way that I don't have to ask, "What if?"

I'm not any stronger than you are.

You just don't realize it.

"You're really good at planting seeds."

But do I ever bear the fruit?

Am I just musing again?

Let's just make this easier for everyone: don't develop any feelings for me.

If you have a vagina, I'm not talking to you for a while.

Thank you. You're welcome.

'Cause these girls, they're like kryptonite.

Little boys mess it up for men.

Docking out...
-Ryan : understand... girl, I'm a different brand

Ryan posted this at 3:09 AM.