Monday, September 16, 2002

 

9/16/02

You know...I really don't get myself.
I've been told I can sing and dance, and I do it all the time at the house or when I'm bored but I can never do it public.
Well, I can, just not as well or as extravagantly or skillfully as I could when I'm juss chillin.
I think it's because I'm too worried about people looking at me?
I've never been one to take the spotlight, yet, whenever I'm in most of my classes, I'm usually the one being all 'perky' and jestful.
Then, before school, break and lunch I'm as quiet as ever. It's not that I don't have anything to say...believe me, I do. I have a lot of things to say...I just don't think out loud at these moments. And then there's all the idiots at our school. You don't realize how many times a day I just want to say, "Yeah, and you're beyond retarded." but I'm too nice to say so. I'd like to add more to the conversations then just a nod or a suggestion. But it's all good because my friends have spent enough time with me to have become accustomed to my actions and it's now like I talk with my body....or something.
And like I said earlier, about the classrooms, I wild out. Well, not exactly wild out, but I become more sharp and witty. I actually enjoy being up in front of the class and talking and making them all laugh. Some of you might be thinking, "Ok...Ryan making a whole room laugh? That's just....beyond crazy." Well, it's just you guys haven't seen me at my social best. Because like I've said many times before, I don't really focus on learning in class...I"d much rather talk to the person next to me.
I'm guessing the reason I can do this in the classroom is because I'm more comfortable?
And also, not only are my male social skills all out of tune, but my female skills as well.
Take my cousin's 2nd birthday party of her life this weekend.
I was able to talk, converse and make my aunt's hot neighbors laugh for the first hour before my brother's came (I have this thing about hiding my love life, even my social life, from everyone I know) but when she introduces me to the daughter of a friend of her's, I didn't do that much talking.
Actually, now looking at all this I do get myself.
Wow...I've just realized through all this non-sense that I'm not fully comfortable with my friends. I'm maybe about 60% comfortable while chilling with my friends and in classes I hardly know anyone in (the classes where I'm really quiet) but I'm 100% comfortable and happy enough to make an ass out of myself in a room where I know either: 0% or 50% of the people I know.
Maybe I like being indoors better?
I dont' know.
Now that I rethink this, I still don't get myself.
Hmm...
Here's my conclusion:
Depending on my mood I can either be the intelligent, rational, calm, laid-back, silent, always watching and thinking Ryan (i.e. chilling with my friends) or the extravagant, sharp, witty, funny, charming, intelligent Ryan (i.e. in a room in which I know no one/half the people, when I'm feeling beyond comfortable). Though, in both stages I've been told I'm nice, caring and selfless.
If this made any sense to you, you deserve a medal because it didn't even make total sense to myself.
But that just might be because I'm questioning my social standpoint in life. Or something. I think i used the right word.
Anyways, I'm confused and I'm out.
You know, I never think this much when I'm not sick. And all I have right now are the sniffles. Imagine living a day in my mind when i'm sick. I don't think you could start to comprehend it...or something.
-Ryan

Ryan posted this at 7:09 PM.