Friday, July 16, 2004

 

7.15.04
 
"And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone,
Or anyone at all, or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave,
The refuge that you've built to flee,
The places that you've come to fear the most,
Is the place that you have come to fear the most."
 
Ironic how in trying to distance myself, making a ballast of autonomy and ceasing from letting them get even an inkling of my various intricacies, I've attracted the friendships and admiration of many.
 
Its as if I juss cannot accept it. I go out of my way to find a flaw for them to expose and if there isn't one there, I'll create one as a test and yet they still stick around.
 
I'm content with what I have but I juss cannot comprehend what makes me so endearing. I understand my faults and my various beneficial traits but something deters me from seeing my own self worth. You could try to shower me with compliments, lies or the truth, but it will all amount to nothing.
 
Someone once told me, "When we are given gifts, we are obliged to make the world a better place. No matter how reluctant you are, you have no choice but to shine." I can easily see the merit, value and potential in everyone else.
 
Why can't I see my own worth?
 
I'm luminous when I don't want to be.
 
I'm the firefly that wants to be a maggot.
 
I think in my various missions helping people find the best of themselves I've been secretly trying to find my own identity.
 
Perhaps its that I'm scared, afraid that I really am not worth it. I'm scared of pain, failure and wasting myself. I've almost always gotten my way and I'm not yet used to being told otherwise.

So instead of leaving potential flaws up for discovery or entering scenarios in which I'm the victim, I create them so that I can control them. I have so much control over myself and my surroundings that I scare myself.
 
Looking back, I've almost always put myself in positions and situations that protectively swayed in my favor. I've realized that I've always docked out before things were even given the chance to fling themselves in a bad direction. I set such low standards so that I don't end up dissapointing myself.
 
Its healthy to be happy with everything.
 
Its unhealthy to be happy with everything but yourself.
 
Many people have attempted to break me in the past but failed, even if I had wanted them to.
 
I can't even break myself because I've been avoiding all my life all that was fragile or could induce frailty.
 
Got angst?
 
Docking out...
-Ryan : not bad, not bad at all

Ryan posted this at 12:55 AM.