Tuesday, August 24, 2004

 

8.24.04

I hope for your sake you don't wake up as lonely as I am.

I used to do so well with this whole separation thing but now, she could juss be across the room and I feel empty.

I don't like the depatures. If I had it my way, I wouldn't ever say goodbye, because it only makes it worse.

So I realized that I spent the whole first day of school with my fly down.

No, I don't study.

I also apologize if I happen to score better than you when the previous night, you got no sleep because you were studying and I slept happily, doing nothing and being a lazy bum (which is synonymous with my name, look it up).

I used to be a eccendentesiast, but you get over something like that quickly as soon as you find a good reason.

I don't believe you can speak frankly about pain until you're no longer enduring it.

You know what they say: if it doesn't kill you, you ain't dead.

Sometimes I juss cannot shut up.

Other times, I juss cannot bring myself to express myself in a debate when the other person in question is not thinking hard enough.

Maybe I juss don't want to give an impression that I am capable of thinking.

'Cause, you know... wouldn't want to lead anyone on.

That'd be a no-no.

There was this one cat that I'd always see in the hall and he'd always get in my way. He'd apologize and I'd always reply with a, "Its all good, my friend." One day, instead of the usual, he asked, "Am I really your friend?"

No, I was never afraid of the dark.

I was afraid of the potential things lurking in it and my imagination.

I'd like to act as if I were six years old all over again.

I once purposely relieved myself outside the school toilets in defiance of the "system" and their chastising me for sniffing the art I made with those scented markers. But hey, what did they expect? They were fruit scented! Fruit scented! If you don't want kids to sniff markers, make them smell like up-dog, not grapes.

Mmm... grapes.

Be yourself. Imitate no one. And certainly do not attempt to imitate me.

In fact, if you do, you'll lose my respect.

You're welcome.

Why do it that way? That's like taking the elevator rather than the stairs.

Its the little things.

Remember that.

Don't trip, potatoe chip. There's beauty in the breakdown.

Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Sweet dreams, my friend.

I've always ebbed and flowed.

Its inherent.

"Those of us with water in our personalities don't pick where we'll flow to. All we can do is flow where the landscape of our lives carries us."

And now, something I haven't done in a while 'cause I'm a goober.

=-=-=

I've never had this happen, to be constantly finding myself in a powerless position. My arms, my lips and my intellect all starve for her with an intensity unknown to me before.

Sometimes I'll look into those deep pools of brown hue that are her eyes and she will completely level and decimate me, making me feel beyond vulnerable, whether she knows it or not. There were those in the past that made me weak in the knees but she goes beyond that.

She paralyzes me, makes me nervous sometimes because her story rivals, if not surpasses, my own. She knows more about me than she lets on, knows more about me than she thinks. She, for whatever reason, has a commanding ambiance about her that constantly puts me in check, shuts off my "smoothness" button and sloths my thought process, bringing out the best of my insecurities, though I will not voice them. She constantly occupies all my thoughts and all known activities remind me of her broad versatility.

Its beyond infatuation, beyond being smitten.

Its respect and desideration and she, more than any other in the past, rightfully illuminates and graces that pedestal that I've affectionately placed her upon, despite her mentality to deny it.

And the fact that I've never been in this position of such extreme exposure, the point at which I seriously believe I could be easily broken, would lead one to consider that I have every reason and intention to want to break away, to harbor augmented amounts of vituperation, rancor and distrust over the force she wields over me.

But rather, on the contrary, it attracts and excites me.

I know that I need this one.

I need you.

Our whole relationship is worth it.

And I know its worth it because, and hold on, this going to get deep, but for the past few years I've been running on empty, regardless of whether anyone knew or not. And I've been having to carry this burden and various insecurities around but up until recently its been filling up, because of you. You have shown me at various times the value of my worth, given me identity. And I don't know why you've done that for me, but you have, and because of that I know that this is a good thing. And I'm sorry that I haven't exactly been as expressive as I should have.

And that's another thing. I mean, you've seen me.

At my best, I can be the most charming, smooth, cavalier and wittiest person, but I can't always be that way around you. And up until recently, I didn't know why. But I've said it before but I don't think I meant it as much but here it is: I didn't want to get with you, I wanted to be with you. Believe me, there's a major difference.

And also, I... I realized that I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid that I actually, really, truly, honestly like you more than I say, than I'll admit... more than I even know. The feelings that I have for you have put you in such high regard mentally that you're out of reach, out of my control.

And that's what I'm most fearful about: I have no control.

You've put me in such a vulnerable position, I'm powerless against you.

But I've never had that.

And I don't know what that says to you but to me, it says a lot. And because of that, I'm willing to take that chance of breaking the barriers I've built over the years for you, despite the emotional risks, because I know you're worth it. And if all fails, then at least know that I'm grateful for everything that you have done for me, whether you know or not and that I've never felt like this way before.

I mean, every girl after you will have a lot to work up to and I'd hate for them to have to be compromises.

=-=-=

Now where did that come from!?

Docking out...
-Ryan : it has been written

Ryan posted this at 10:28 PM.