Sunday, February 25, 2007

 

02.25.07

I am the most frontingest.

Enigmatic and aversive... I can play it so well.

I don't trust photos.

Please do not refer to members of the opposite sex as "bitches" in my presence.

Unless you're using it as an adjective-- 'cause hey, some people just are sometimes.

If you need to remind yourself to live a better life, you're already behind.

I don't know if one would call it a problem, but I've always had the propensity to understand everyone around me-- including strangers.

Especially strangers.

I found myself doing it again on the train ride down and I'm certain I'll do it on the train ride up.

Silently, I would observe the other passengers, perhaps sharing a conversation with them every now and then.

And I'd be right about them.

It sometimes scares me.

I find that I'd rather have omniscience than omnipotence.

If I know what's going on, I know what actions to take and what routes to roll with.

It was a developed ability whose origin isn't something that I'm proud of.

You could deal with the same problem over and over and find yourself still not knowing the best way to handle it.

I will say this: it should never have gotten to the point in the first place.

The trickiest thing is you know what one shouldn't do-- and the right thing...

Well, even though it's maybe the right thing to do, it certainly isn't the safest.

I feel like how I did during most of high school-- while I had my privacy every now and then, I never really had any downtime completely to myself.

Weird how I now view going home as a vacation-- that place where I can get away (much like how I use to have the hill).

But, I didn't get my downtime this weekend and this recent restlessness still stirs within me.

I thought maybe working out the performance the past week would throw me out of it-- it only worsened it, evolving it even.

I take sole responsibility.

There was just so much more I could have done.

Both for the performance and to better various other situations that are occuring right now.

I know how bad things can get--

but I also know how good they can be.

You can find the bad and the good in everything.

It's all about perspective and focus.

Remember to always smile.

Is it bad that I've hit that point where I don't think you could surprise me?

Try me.

Many people spend too much time criticizing others and the way they lead their lives.

They should focus instead on helping them understand their own autonomies and their own conditions, helping them come to grips with the responsibilites they have concerning themselves.

The only thing that's ever satiated these pangs was helping others.

Maybe it's an attempt at redemption.

Whatever it is, it seriously affects me and goes straight through to my heart.

I am capable and have control over so much-- it hurts me deeply when I know it was within my power to make it better.

Docking out...
-Ryan : continue to Side B

Ryan posted this at 4:43 AM.