Thursday, April 05, 2007

 

04.05.07

It really hit me this week.

I'll be honest.

In terms of tragic and life-changing events that happen in my life that directly affected me, I've had it pretty good.

Being the youngest in your family might give you that luxury.

But you know, all my life I've been surrounded by such happenings and they've all indirectly affected me or included me somehow.

And while it's hard for the victims, people and families...

I gotta say-- it's hard for me too.

True, I may have never become the person I am today because of it...

I now view things from various angles, have become more sympathetic and empathic and I do cherish the little things.

But, I don't know...

Thinking of if other people were in my position, it would have placed great burden upon them.

I don't know if they'd be able to consume all that and become enriched by what nourishment it allowed.

It would, in all regards and honesty, have jaded them and made them hate the world just a little...

and that's what scared me this past week.

For the first time in my life, I grew weary and tired.

It seemed like everyone else was going through a crisis except for me...

and I was the only one that they could have confided in or listened to.

And then the thought occured: Why me?

Why do I not have to suffer in the same way?

Why must I be burdened with this luxury of not having to experience these abominations firsthand?

Why am I so fortunate as to not have to feel the direct sting of twisted randomness?

Why can't I have an excuse to not care about anything?

Why do I let it affect me?

Why do I let people affect me in this way?

You may be thinking, "Why are you complaining? I'm sure those people would love to be in your shoes."

That's where you'd be wrong.

Those people would love to be in the shoes of someone that hasn't had to deal with such events first-hand or second-hand.

Some could liken it to smoking-- first-hand's just as bad, but second-hand damaged even more people.

And I've always thought this: Ryan, just get away from it all.

Disregard everything and hide yourself away.

They shouldn't have to be asking you. They should be able to do it themselves.

I'm usually good with dismissing such notions because, in truth, people need people and I'm usually stronger than that...

but this past week was the first time I really considered it.

It's really catching up to me.

I thought I'd be out of this funk by now, but I'm not.

Who does the confidant confide in?

I've never had an answer for that one.

Never really had to.

Docking out...
-Ryan : you gots this, man

Ryan posted this at 2:19 AM.