Thursday, June 28, 2007

 

06.28.07

Logic is my self-defense mechanism.

Before I make a brash decision in a heavy situation, I take whatever time I have to put myself and the scenario at hand into context, allowing myself to see the ups and the downs, the positives and the negatives and the right course to potentially take.

And that's how I get by.

But I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake.

Things have been taking up my time lately, drastic or not.

But I find that I'm neglecting one.

Even moreso, I'm running away because the thought of it scares me and the hypocrisy scars me.

Still, I revert to the others, thinking that I'm helping build bridges and strengthening existing bonds.

And that's how I get by.

But I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake.

I find myself listening, but the only words I hear are linguistic combos whose semantics echo meanings of regret and loss.

The only songs I notice are dirges of a balance disrupted.

But I tell myself that I'm just filtering, that it's just one of those days.

And that's how I get by.

But I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake.

The thoughts still linger in enigmatic pools of aversion and the words ready themselves to make their way up from under my breath and pass the gates of silence and repression that have been holding them hostage for the past few weeks.

They feel I have wronged them and have denied them the glory that they so rightfully deserve.

But every situation has its winners and its losers.

I keep repeating that if there's an off-chance that I can have you, that I'd want all of you and not just a part of you.

And that's how I get by.

But I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake.

Just take the time to analyze this particular picture.

As wonderful as it may be, I know it's a lie draped in extravagant vestitures of enticing logical brights and warm colors,

because the optics of my optimism exist in two-fold dimensions, finding its residence on both sides of the issue at hand.

You chip away deep enough, you'll find below the layers a plain backdrop of split black and white that are both surprisingly gray.

And while both ends pain me, I decide that one gray suits the base moreso perfectly than the other.

And that's how I get by.

But I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake.

Four o' clock in the AM and I'm looking outside.

The world's a dark blue, with rays of streetlight amber darting here and there in suggestive ways.

It was hard being that far away.

It's even harder being that close.

Directly out my door, I find a determined path that I turn my back upon because I trick myself into believing that it's not worth losing any sleep over.

You certainly are, no doubt.

Sleeping, I mean.

And that's how I get by.

But I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake.

Docking out...
-Ryan : what we aim for

Ryan posted this at 4:06 AM.