Saturday, August 04, 2007

 

08.04.07 -- 08.31.07

Apparently, the powers that be thought that it'd be hilarious that if the one weekend I could come home for the summer to chill, there'd be an angry and disabling humidity.

If only my brain could store as much information as my heart does loves.

I'm not the type who gets jealous or bitter when I see a couple on the street.

Rather, it makes me smile.

There's a certain sense of satisfaction that's attained when I find or create that happiness in others.

Never really ever wanted or asked for much.

With that being said, I've always been used to getting what I do want.

I've always stressed being able to adapt to whatever's thrown at you.

It's unfortunate how convoluted and much more complicated things are nowadays.

I find old habits are hard to break.

But I have to.

I always says, "Next quarter."

But this time...

I have to.

Some have an easier time admitting it than others, but we all need guidance here and there.

Careful now.

External pressure can lead to internal combustion.

Old infatuations have a nasty habit of returning during wrong intervals.

Denial, deflection or acceptance?

In time, we'll be dancing in the streets all night.

Summer stagnancy.

Every now and then I get bored of things, hitting a plateau of intrigue, a feeling of wanting and needing to move on.

What to do, what to do?

I want to look into the eyes of the little boy I used to be and say to myself, "I apologize."

I apologize for robbing you of some of the simplest joys you have always deserved.

Vurrrrry shimple, yo.

Go back to the homeland and become a pop-star.

Then use the fame and fortune to fix up the provinces and use that charisma to box out the corrupt politicians and build from the ground up.

Right?!

We all love that novelty.

And we fear its disappearance.

I'm not saying that you have to let it go. I'm saying just learn from it and don't instigate things that don't have to happen.

Attitudes reflect leadership.

I can't remember the last that I slept this well.

Just because it hasn't or doesn't happen to you, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen to others and/or exist.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, we bring to you...

The Cycle.

Again.

No, really. Hold your applause.

What it all comes down to is this-- how do you want to be remembered?

I find it very important for one to be able to fully love themselves and be comfortable knowing that in the end all, in the absence of others, they'll be alright.

It shouldn't all be about finding someone to complete your existence, but rather someone who enhances it and makes you a better person than you already are.

Word to big bird.

Art stirs thought. Music stirs emotion.

I'll live.

I always do.

I punked a couple of raccoons during a walk today.

I know, I know.

Gangsta.

Perspective.

I've led a lot of things in my lifetime.

A girl was never one of them.

If you're not comfortable with yourself, you'll never be comfortable anywhere.

Admit it.

You need me in your life.

It's cool.

I can dig that.

The cycle between the moon and the sun has continually gotten faster and faster right before my eyes-- almost as if the powers that be are just playing ping pong between Heaven and earth.

Time has been moving so suddenly lately-- I needed to take a quick jaunt backwards and catch my breath.

When did my mother's hair, which I used to joke was darker than night, become widdled with clouds of gray?

At this age and point in time, we all have those little intricacies about us, those certain somethings that plague our souls.

It may be heartache, tragedy or even pride but whatever it is, we all have our stories to tell that provide ample background for our insecurities.

Sometimes, I feel like the social schematics of high school, and especially college, try to suggest that getting someone drunk is the quickest way to get people to open up--

that the quickest way to get to know someone is through inebriation and that the best way to peruse someone's soul is through quick bouts of physical acrobatics that hold no intentions of intimacy, only instant gratification and affection.

I haven't listened to the radio or watched music videos in a long time.

Back in the day, I used to go through general musical cycles. While I have eclectic musical taste, throughout the school year, it'd be mostly hip-hop and R&B, really digging melodic flow and soulful singing. When summer hit, it was more punk, alternative and acoustic, in the mood for something more instrumental.

However, KYXY was always on rotation. Gotta love that soft rock and oldies.

People have a tendency to put things and themselves into leagues or echelons. No dice.

I think the major difference is that we were all forced to be there daily. There was just something about constantly being around those kids in that environment.

High school was a joke and I spent more time just trying to make people's days.

And that's what got me by.

I grow tired of that statement.

Don't remember that rush of joy.

Very few things in this world make me feel stupid. You've stumbled upon one of those.

"No one thinks as badly of you as you think they do."

Please don't wilt.

How long will all this last?

Strength is not strength when it is an accident of weakness from others.

At that point, it is exploitation or extortion-- and that is just amplified weakness.

I couldn't help but notice, but her eyes have a certain depth to them.

Despite those wrinkles around the corners of her eyes that form when she smiles, within those deep pools of brown hue, there is a hint of immense sadness.

They're heavy, like they've witnessed a lot of tragedy.

I wanted to relieve her sorrow.

You can tell a lot about people just from their eyes, it's insane.

Someone asked me a certain question about my faith last night and I gave them an answer that I never really believed in.

I want to make you feel beautiful.

I have the luxury of meaning everything I say.

I never lie.

I may withhold information or say things in non-conventional ways--

but I never lie.

Out being the Gentleman.

This weekend was quite refreshing and I'm leaving with nothing but cherished memories and bubbly attitudes.

It's always a good feeling to see old faces and play catch up with ketchup and just act a fool with no restraints.

Always a good time, always entertained.

That's two weddings in one summer.

They're married.

This is real.

What to do when people come out of nowhere with romantic notions?

The tricky thing about romantic relationships is that we all can't help who we feel for and for who we don't.

Someone may be our perfect match, but nothing may come of it because that mutual attraction is not there.

And that's how some people become guarded.

Awkward turtle.

So, there was a delay on the train ride tonight.

Major delay.

Someone had gotten hit by the train ahead of us, and they had to shut down the whole operation.

The sad part is, people were so focused on themselves and being late.

Granted, I understand-- it was a major delay that set us back a good 4 hours.

But still-- someone died.

Someone died and people were selfishly angry.

I began to wonder under what circumstances the fatality had occurred under.

Suicide? Accident?

Someone died.

Watching tragedy in motion.

If there is any beauty in the situation or if there is to be any good pulled from it, I shall find it.

There are many things I keep private and I have many outlets for such things.

But this...

I am quite unaccumstomed to these feelings and I find myself channeling them in the wrong directions.

The heavier that things are weighing down on me, the more the gears work in my head and the more of a smartass I become.

As notable as it may or may not be, I am hardly in any way pleased with my conduct as of late.

Right/Wrong circumstances at the right/wrong time.

It has been an exceptionally long time since I have ever felt this way.

This feeling of solitude, like I'm alone in my endeavors.

I've always been somewhat of a lone maverick with such matters, dealing with them on my own, shadowing through my pride and my ability to just chew it out.

Very rarely have I needed or asked for aid in any fashion.

Usually I power through.

Usually.

For whatever reason, I am moreso affected this time around.

I just have to remember how small I really am.

I am only one of.

We all have our problems.

We all pick and choose our battles.

It could be much worse.

But could it really?

Can't be dropping the ball.

Never have.

Never will.

It's weird to think about, but perhaps to be at my best, I do need that/it to keep a balance.

I miss that me.

It ends tonight.

I need to commit an act of extreme kindness before I lose my mind.

I need to make an impact.

3 people that I'm close to are in the hospital.

The hell?

I am the most frontingest.

Everyone thinks that they're broken.

What is it about the summer time that makes people act so ugly?

It must be the heat.

I just take a nap.

I take a shower.

I then go outside and look up--

look up and realize how small I really am, boxing the stars, battling the moon.

I don't lay my guard down for anyone.

What makes you an exception?

Hovering metropolis.

Everything seems to stack up at the most inopportune times.

No down-time.

Whatsoever.

It's hard to even think at the moment.

I need rest.

It's times like these when I wish that I had my car.

I would just drive...

drive and drive and drive into oblivion.

What is it about some people that makes them want to bring out the worst in others?

I am not good at being selfish.

I have a problem with helping others.

For a while, I thought it was because I viewed such opportunities as distractions from other things that bogged down on my world.

I realized those things do motivate me, but not in that way.

It's bad when, in certain instances and events, you're teetering on the line between dreams and reality.

My dreams have become so vivid and tangible lately and I've been having mad bouts of deja vu.

The King... has returned.

The more electronegative, the stronger the acid.

It's not civility.

I just understand.

I really do.

I can dig that.

I put them up too, sometimes.

They'll give you all the advice that you want to hear.

But, in my experience, all you really need is this:

Just know what you're up against and be prepared for anything, including the downfall, if it happens.

Just know and be ready.

Trust me.

If it truly bothered me, I'd let you know.

It's not you.

It's him.

Sleep away a silent pain that's screaming out my name.

I hope for your sake, you don't wake up, as broken as I am.

I hate it when girls are screaming in the streets of IV.

Almost always they're just drunk, being loud and belligerent.

It's a disease that I suffer from.

Sometimes, I talk smoothly but that doesn't mean I'm trying to run in at an angle on you.

There's nothing you can do about it.

You always joke about it but, trust me, you don't want to see destruction in motion.

So, I went through the fire for you and how do you repay me?

By sticking to the same ish that landed you in such predicaments in the first place.

Here's an idea: stop being stupid.

You know what?

She's worth it.

You're not.

I don't like this feeling.

I am incapable of producing anything worthy or beautiful right now.

Don't even look at me wrong.

I am in no mood at the moment.

Almost at that point where I could say what I want.

Lately, the only thing that I've been missing...

is myself.

What the hell happened to you, kid?

Making plays and pulling cards.

Finding holes and controlling damage.

I needed to get away.

Even now, I still do.

I apologize.

I sometimes forget how beautiful my home is.

So many memories.

I can't always be there to teach you.

Sometimes, I don't know why I have a phone.

Seriously.

I might have possibly done the worst form of vandalism ever in my artistic career this past weekend.

But it was worth it.

It was funny.

Plus, it's erasable, so kudos [against] me.

We have an L&L's right down the street now!

OoOoWeE!

There is so much construction going on and so much is changing in such a short amount of time.

But it's a good thing.

Perhaps with enough of a surface change and appeal for new additions, the core within the volume might cease to be as shady.

I want to give you something better.

You're scared?

Well, join the club.

We're all scared.

We don't like to admit it and we all front, but every now and then you just have that void you want filled in.

It happens.

Full circle.

When it's quality bonding time between just you and your thoughts, a lot of dangerous things can happen.

What a wonderful wonderland the playgrounds of my mind must be.

Hey, you can try and make me forget all you want.

I just won't let it happen.

So readily available.

Sometimes, I think of just being that guy.

It would just be that much easier.

But, I can't.

I just don't have it in me.

I'd like to think that I'm above all that.

I was shocked at what he said.

That is not the only thing that matters, okay?

The best part about getting a check-up at the dentist is when they bust out the little buffer for your teeth.

It just feels so good.

You ever have anyone draw on your back?

It just feels so good.

Though I don't have much of it at the moment, I miss having somebody run their fingers through my hair.

It just feels so good.

I can't get mad about it because I'm sure I've been on the opposite end of the situation plenty of times, doing it to others.

You just gotta roll with the punches.

And I've been trained defensively, with a mean counter.

That lefty comes out of nowhere, I tell you.

If it's right, and they're lucky, one of them will say something.

It's quite possible that I've told you things about my hometown that I don't even tell the kids in my hometown about.

There is always that latency, that undertow, that you don't know or maybe even think about at all.

I don't have a haven.

I don't have my Nyquil.

It may be forward but this occurred to me: I want to heal her sorrow.

That same empathy is what sparked a lot of good things in my lifetime.

I pick and choose my battles.

Just because I usually have a hard time saying "no" doesn't mean that I'm not capable of it.

I don't just allow things to happen.

I make a conscious decision of how I want things to be and I act accordingly.

New month.

New entry.

We'll see how this goes.

Funny, I go home and I'm still sleeping on a couch.

=-=-=

And you both lay there, eyes closed, not saying a thing, sinking into her mattress.

You like to think that if these walls could talk they would tell you how much she was anticipating your arrival within its spaces.

Lately, it seemed as if the world had been in a heavy onslaught against you in every way but her remedial presence provided temporarily relief from it all.

Everything was at what the scientific world would call an equilibrium.

It was complete comfort-- a moment that you could have stayed in for a very long time, if not forever.

Words were exchanged. The blithe bubble of tranquility that you were both sharing the luxury of was burst.

She sighed the deepest sigh, the kind that would make the saddest apparitions jealous, and you found your soul sinking within its depth.

All you could feel was this sudden urge to just hold her... but you couldn't.

Not like that.

You knew that if you did, it would never mean the same thing to her as it did to you.

You would lose yourself.

And in this moment of equal vulnerability, you suppose something could happen.

The warmth shared between your arms might find itself wanting to meet at your lips.

Two lonely people who figure it might be better to be alone together, if only for a moment of brevity.

This particular night, destined to be the "night-never-to-be-spoken-of-again" between the both of you, averted through topic avoidance and overcasting awkwardness.

In hindsight, new feelings of regret might be incurred--

and that would just be the salt on the already existing wound that afflicts your fatigued heart.

Pride, it's a funny thing.

Sometimes, it influences you to do things and other times, it restricts you from doing things.

It is both an instigator and a protector.

But at what price?

How do either of you expect to grow if you don't let go?

Shame how you couldn't decipher this particular one as much as you usually do.

Perhaps that's what kept you tethered.

But how could you be so careless?

You're always fearless when you're playing games.

But, you know, it isn't a game...

...and you found yourself leaving with no spine intact.

It wasn't anger.

More like disappointment.

You're usually a clutch player.

You made it straight into double over-time--

and you dropped the ball.

It ended.

=-=-=

Docking out...
-Ryan : here comes the exception

Ryan posted this at 12:49 AM.