Saturday, December 08, 2007

 

12.08.07-12.27.07

It's all good.

"Can he just do that?"

"Sure, he can. He's Ryan-Mose."

I'm just trying to get back to what really matters. I'm trying to search my soul to find out what I'm after.

"I don't know if now, having lived and died the life of a man, I can write about little-boy love, but remembering it now, it seems the cleanest pain I've known. Love without desire, or conditions, or limits-- a pure and radiant glow in the heart that could make me giddy and sad and glorious all at once. Where does it go? Why, in all their experiments, did the Magi never try to capture that purity in a bottle?"

So, you tell yourself you're not the one.

And you bury it, move on.

But you realize you can't keep living like that.

Or can you?

I went to Target with $30, with the utmost intention on buying some new bedding... stuff... things.

There is so much that goes on a bed. It has its own jargon.

I think I was looking for a comforter? I'm not sure. I think. Yeah... no. Something.

Anyhow, I left Tar-shay with 3 DVD's and a Dr Pepper instead.

"Robin Hood: Men in Tights," "Children of Men" and "The Last King of Scotland."

I've only seen Robin Hood, of those three.

...Who wants to break them in with me?

I don't know why I do those little things.

I think it's because it makes me feel like I'm worth something, that good and selfless deeds still existence without intention.

It makes me feel... human.

"I'm completely incapable of taking care of myself, now that I have only myself to take care of. I used to be motivated, conscientious, and dependable, but on my own I am utterly inept. There is no one to do things for, no one to [give] all my attention or ... my efforts, no one [to provide] some purpose for me."

=-=-=-=-=

She is heavily guarded.

A complex mechanism of sorts, the lights of her affections sometimes shine through the gears of her insecurities in moments of brevity.

But the defenses of her fortress quickly put up those stalwart walls of deflection and the only company she is left with are paintings of her histories that litter the deepest depths of the establishment.

They are heavily fused into the hallways and rooms they inhabit and use them as conduits for their strangleholds and haunts.

She is trapped. A victim of her past.

A lonely princess imprisoned in her tower of memories and emotions, singing dirges of a wailing loneliness and longing.

Despite a languish for relief, caution continues to construct its obstacles.

They exponentially birth themselves through her hesitations until her composition is that of an enigma, a labyrinth that even she cannot get out of.

Little does she know, she contains the power to rid the entire countryside of these twisted creations.

It is encapsulated in a jeweled heart that she carries, the complete opposite of Pandora's Box.

All she must do is revive it from its jaded state.

Its beating existence will bring a light and warmth that will reverse the adverse effects of the bitter cold that had hardened it in the first place.

Its power is limitless.

=-=-=-=-=

He used to be that way. He found a way out.

But he now travels in self-deprecation, his own worst enemy.

All I've been doing is looking through cross-hairs.

I can't pull the trigger.

I realized I haven't been able to in a while.

Where are you right now?

If anything, I just believe in Time.

It's intangible, but yet you acknowledge its existence or, if anything, its concept.

It heals the bulk of everything and, in the end all, it is always the victor.

It is always in effect and is omnipotent.

Time doesn't have plans. It just continues.

It is a regulator and an enabler.

It will spontaenously cause things to happen all at once.

It brings birth and love. It brings death and grief.

Time is the Alpha and the Omega.

How joyous it is to know that you've made a difference and/or an impact in another's life.

Awwwwwkward turtle.

I'm being introduced as an "old friend" now?

I guess old wounds do heal.

But those scars still remain.

I know that this will pass.

It just sucks that it has to happen.

"'You gotta stay cold inside.'
That's what I tell myself when I feel alone sometimes.
But I can't cry. I don't tear [any] more.
I love [life], so death I don't fear [any] more "

Whenever there were problems, I was the one to fix things.

So, when it comes to matters of the self, I keep them to myself.

I've failed my team, my peers, my supporters and more importantly, I've failed myself.

Time to remedy.

People often have this idea of the perfect girl for me, the type of girl that I'll end up with.

It's flattering, but it's something that I can't take seriously.

So, they ask me about the type of traits I would be interested in in a girl.

Comfortable.

And that's all there is to it for me.

There's so much to fall in love with that another being could possibly possess.

A girl could be banging, in all aspects, but I might not have a inkling of intimate, affectionate or genuine attraction to her.

Besdies, when you're in it, you start to fall in love with all those little things anyhow.

It's not a trait or a characteristic that I look for.

It's a feeling.

I don't look for anything.

I just happen upon.

I smile inside every time I see her, not gonna lie.

Let me be your study break.

I either see the Flower Guy everyday or I take a risk.

If I don't end up with a very good GPA this quarter, I'm going to be both heavily confused and disappointed.

It just wouldn't make sense.

I have a sleeping pattern that doesn't exactly agree with the way our society works.

Late nights, late afternoons.

It doesn't help at all that I have the hardest time waking up. I can't help it.

My friend sent me these links-- these new alarm clocks are straight up nuts.

There's one that shoots out puzzle pieces and the alarm doesn't turn off until you find all of them and put it back together.

Still, my favorite is one that actually has wheels and it literally jumps off your shelf and finds a place to hide.

I can just imagine someone just bumping into everything trying to find that bad boy.

What if it gets into an inaccessible place?

That's balls.

I think what I miss most about high school is that academics weren't a worry to me at all.

I could do as I pleased and it wasn't a burden.

I also miss that daily interaction with all of my peers and the fact that there was that opportunity every day to make someone's day.

I think that's what I miss the most--

Committing good deeds, doing little things for people, holding doors and greeting every one during passing periods before classes started.

Smiles will motivate you to do a lot of things.

It all adds up.

You know, I hear that all the time. Really, I appreciate it.

But it gets old sometimes.

I was never really comfortable with talking about myself.

That is, whenever we were given prompts asking about our best characteristics and whatnot, I wasn't quite sure how to answer them.

There was always that problem of coming off as egotistical and self-indulgent, and that's something that I was never quite fond of.

I'm not even good at receiving compliments.

I am...

a little bit of a lot.

That's all I could ever really think of.

I never envisioned or attempted to do everything or even do it well.

It just sort of happened.

If a situation presents itself, I'm not necessarily going to throw myself out of it if I don't need to.

I was always quick to learn and quick to retort. I never considered things as talents so much as they were things that I did when I was bored.

And the only thing that ever pushed my buttons were people acting out of line.

For whatever reason, I could sit for hours and listen to people and genuinely feel something.

How did I develop in such a way while others did not?

It's a little bit of a lot.

That's all I could ever really think of.

Winter break's about to commence, but it's odd.

I already feel like I've been on a break.

Going back home really isn't much of a vacation anymore.

There's not much to do. Everyone is at the point in our college careers where we're all so busy.

Even those who aren't are busy with other things and building up potential careers.

Reality always kicks in.

There are real problems everywhere, and I get pulled into them in one way or another.

It's nice to visit for a weekend or even a week at most.

But what am I going to do for 3 entire weeks?

It's going to be cool for at least the first week.

But I know I'm going to get bored.

But that happens everywhere I reside long enough.

=-=-=-=-=

What do you do when all the sweet things that you want to say cannot be expressed at the moments when they pop into your head because of a certain ridiculous manner of insecure discretion?

You seem to be waiting for the right moment, and you know that it's on its way-- things always tend to fall right into place, especially for you.

But what is the maximum capacity for all of those unheard adorations? How long do you think you can go on without citing those verbal affirmations of affection?

You figure since you cannot participate in those nurturing antics in a public realm, you can put to text the various jubilations that she aids in creating or put in image the butterflies she births deep within you and the way she easily makes your whole body brilliantly smile.

But you cannot.

You find that every attempt to conjure up something worthy of her name is an utter failure, unable to truly capture her essence or the romantic binds that hold you.

She is disarming in an unseemingly good way.

All my offensive fronts and my defensive aversions dissipate whenever I'm in her presence or enjoying the exchanges of her ample and witty banter.

When those gears get to grinding, what she speaks is highly relevant and composed of a high level of intellect.

Indeed, there is that share of utter nonsense, but it passes the time in such a welcomingly way and I find that I'm no longer losing hours but, rather, gaining moments of felicity.

Serendipity seems to be a common ingredient in the recipes we're constantly concocting, the flexible and fugacious nature of our personalities aid in forming spontaneous and transient instances of relief and humor.

What is ultimately drawn from the culmination of our "comportments" is something of extreme comfort.

The copacetic ambiance that I've been in deep search of for who knows how long?

It has possibly been found.

It is both exhilarating and, at the same time, consternation-inducing.

But she has a smile that could heal a million souls or stop even Death right in his tracks.

And it's something that I could gaze at for hours on end, if not forever.

I want to heal her sorrow, to provide her with the quintessential ideal of happiness.

A world without boundaries, where shadow can fall in love with flame.

One day, she will know all the joys that she makes me feel.

=-=-=-=-=

Docking out...
-Ryan : strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

Ryan posted this at 4:58 AM.