Thursday, May 08, 2008

 

05.08.08-5.19.08

I don't know why, but I find so much more comfort in the nighttime than in the daytime.

I think it's the calm serenity.

I mean, there's a reason why we fall asleep at night.

That and the soft silence.

It's hard to explain but it's a different kind of silence than the kind you might find during the daytime.

It's intangible and ethereal but it almost seems like it's a living entity in itself.

It enshrouds you, much like the darkness, and hides you away so that all the thoughts in your head can either shine boldly like never before or find comfort in their independence within the vacancies of your mind.

I've seen many beautiful things in my lifetime.

Everyday, you keep inching your way towards that list with the way you converse.

You never grow comfortable of his presence even after Death follows you around for an entire year, despite how much you front about it.

It's cool.

I just pop some Tylenol and down some caffeine.

I keep on keeping on.

For whatever reason, I can't let them see me like this.

Mo'fruckah, I'm invincible... always have been.

This isn't going to stop me.

And if I can't overcome this, then who am I to say "do this" and "do that"?

I rarely ever get scared.

Seriously.

That's not just some testosterone-driven-society's-male-image-of-toughness-ideal talking.

But lately, it's crept up on me.

My physical inadequacies have finally caught up with my optimistic and far-running mentalities and for the first time in years, my body shut down on me.

I felt like I just had gotten leveled by a truck.

And speaking of leveled by a truck.

That's also how I feel when I look at her.

She can level me with her eyes.

And I find myself dealing with feelings, emotions and notions that I haven't dealt with in years.

The fact that she is slowly siphoning control away from me?

It doesn't alarm me in the least.

And that scares the hell out of me.

It's about that time of the year when I'm in a contemplative and reflective mood.

Bad thing?

It sure can be sometimes.

I wasn't much of a leader this year in my eyes. I let too many personal things affect me and the overall potential of the team suffered because of it.

I failed myself and more importantly, I failed them.

I have yet to truly give it my all.

And that doesn't make me feel like a BADASS at all.

I can't seem to shake this right now.

Invest more into self-assurance and less into pride.

No matter where I seem to go, I can't escape it in some form.

Yes, I'm speaking about two things at once.

No, they're not both bad.

Lately, Time moves the day painfully slow in her absence, but why does it seem like the evening ends too quickly and morning always comes too soon when she's around?

If I were to name the single greatest highlight of my year...

...it would be her.

It only took three quarters.

For whatever reason, she always brings me back to point.

You don't know what it is to handle.

You might think it's safe to just walk, but I suggest you step up to the plate and swing at certain universals with all that you've got.

Things always seem to sway in my favor eventually with ease.

But is it well deserved, if at all?

Sure doesn't seem like it to me.

And it sure as Hell isn't fair sometimes.

And all the words I thought I knew...

...they hold new meaning when attached to you.

I just get so tired sometimes.

I don't think people understand.

Still, that's no excuse.

Or at least, that's what I tell myself.

...and that's why I find that I've always passed my limits in more ways than one.

I'm too easily guilt-ridden at times and the caliber at which I hold myself to won't allow me to stop going on, despite the taxation that it brings upon me.

But it's worth it.

Or at least, that's what I tell myself.

Someone has to do it... and I can.

And sometimes am the only one.

I bring it upon myself.

End game.

Back to equilibrium, suckaaaaas.

To be the one to relay experiences, to share the secrets, to motivate and to inspire others and the future that is to come.

It is something that cannot be refused.

This self-deprecation bull-honky-donkey-- it's what fuels me.

To be beyond that which I currently dwell upon and to be better than having to be in that ridiculous position of dwelling...

...that's how I evolve and that's how I adapt as a person.

Perhaps I do it moreso than others, but people really need to just step up and step back and just put themselves into context.

They'll find all the necessary answers.

It's a little bit of a lot...

...but it's always the same response.

It's hard having put in so many years to try and potentially transform something into another wondrous entity of a whole 'nother standard.

But in the end, you find yourself saying the same things and people wander off into directions that you don't want them to or previously had not even thought of.

For every tunnel you make, they've made another hole, another passage, and so you follow theirs and deter them towards your own every now and then.

But for reasons both known and uncertain, you find that they continue back towards the magma core of heat.

There's only so much you can do sometimes.

You can't save everyone, Ryan.

On a scale of 1 to "chill," I just wanna chill.

No need to get crazy.

This Champion, this BADASS is just trying to lounge out.

It's not that I have a high sense of pride or even an inflated ego, it's just that I have a high sense of duty to the things that I have chosen to get myself involved in.

It was a conscious decision on my part, so I'll be the one to deal with the things that come with it.

After the Hell that I put my body through for the past few months, I've been trying to get myself back to that equilibrium that I am so familiar with.

Easy button.

Kind of.

I'm almost there, well on my way to near completion, but I'm at the hardest part of the course.

I am content with everything as it is. I see it all for what it is and can appreciate it and can only think of ways to make it all the more beautiful.

I am happy with everything...

...but myself.

Expectations are a mo'fo and I generally try not to have any...

...but when it comes to matters of the self, I always hold myself to a very high standard.

Still, such self-deprecation only comes in small, fun-sized bites and I find other means of diluting such fictitious notions.

It's all relative. It's all about perspective.

This will pass, as do many things

The world is my canvas. I am the medium...

...and I intend to make it something of a masterpiece.

I want to do something beautiful.

Scratch that-- I need to do something beautiful, just for my own sanity's sake.

I've tried.

I've tried and failed on numerous occasions in the recent weeks.

For whatever reason, I cannot articulate the right form of expression.

Now sets in the frustration, for she's beyond encapsulation.

So, now I sit confounded, surrounded by a sea of multiple views-- with every wave an incomplete attempt at the essence of you.

I know she finds beauty in the world-- well, I hope she can find the beauty in this...

...'cause while it can't capture the loveliness I see, it's the only temporal thing that fits.

Docking out...
-Ryan : of an ephemeral nature

Ryan posted this at 5:35 PM.