Sunday, June 01, 2008

 

06.01.08-06.029.08

Came back to an empty home.

Funny, 'cause I also came back to an empty town.

There is almost nothing back there for me to return to.

But I'll always have love for it and its inhabitants, no matter what happens.

Having that downtime was something fantastic and I found myself cruisin' around town in the CR-V I used to rock, going to places in a solitary glory, ordering a drink and just lounging, people watching or reading from a book.

It's been a while.

I briefly passed corners and lingered at parks, reminiscing about these places and the turn-arounds that I was a part of.

The black and the white quickly and easily become grey as you get older and deal with more convoluted conflicts.

You'll find that "justice" is hard to define and the "greater good" is something that lurks in an arena of uncertainty.

If you combat "bad" with "bad" for something that you define as "good", is it noble?

What in turn makes you different than the "monsters" that you've labeled?

The outcome.

But the ends can't always justify the means.

Nick Swardson.

Hilarious.

I wonder what it would've been like to go to school and hang out with the guy.

I can only imagine.

What the filet mignon?

What was that?

Was that a... meow? ...that I just heard?

What is a cat doing outside my IV window at 2:30 in the freakin' AM?

Do we have milk? I'll give it some milk.

No dice.

It's gone.

Phantom feline?

Not as scary.

I wonder if she ever just stops and thinks about me...

...and smiles.

'Cause I sure do.

Eve-A?

My sunrise and sunset.

Jammit.

This is bad.

I miss her.

And she's on my mind more than she's ever been when I have to settle for her absence.

Distractions are becoming less and less potent and, if not for class, I'd probably be doing all I could just to be in her presence.

I wake up and she's in my arms and all I can do is smile.

Complete comfort.

My care hath no boundaries.

That goes double for her.

Exactly.

Hold your breathe because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again.

By the by, I noticed-- I just didn't want to admit that I look at you often enough to distinguish the difference.

I think one of the worst places to have an argument is in a car.

'Cause there's only your own door to slam and if you walk out there's nowhere else to really go to in order to cool off.

Especially if the car's in motion.

And if you do exit the vehicle, there's that possible chance that you'll be left there.

Balls all up in your grill.

Balls.

...That beetle seems to have followed me.

I notice everything. It's a matter of whether I voice it or not.

Yes, I'm aware. I choose and allow it to be so.

Yes, I'm okay with that. Just because you can't or wouldn't doesn't mean that I'm not capable of handling it.

It doesn't bother me. Why does it bother you?

I should really stop being lazy.

My parents are so G.

Not gonna lie.

Jaded.

Used as an adjective to describe me, some will argue that you are not far off.

But maybe it isn't really that I'm jaded.

I've been exposed to it so much, maybe I'm just really good at crystallizing my emotions so that it doesn't eat away at me.

Maybe.

It seems that my absences have taken their tolls.

I am a cuddle-whore and a prime conduit of affection.

Star-stealing girl.

And now the doubt sets in, just like it always has before.

It's strange, mostly because it's a feeling that I don't have much experience with.

In all reality, I know that "doubt" is just a deflective label for what it truly is within the confines of my mind: fear-- another feeling that I don't have much experience with.

I am such a BADASS on my own. I treat every day like a weekend or holiday, doing what I please and any and all consequences I take with a swig of Dr Pepper and deal with.

I handle like no one else I know.

I am a champion among amateurs and can make things look easy.

'Cause it is.

But for me, it's different, dealing on my own because they are that-- solely my own.

Then the thoughts cross my mind:

It sometimes seems like I'm a much better friend than a lover.

Or, it's not that I feel inadequate, it just seems like she would be much better off with someone else.

Or, ultimately, I don't want to become a burden to her.

That's how much value I've placed here.

In the back of my mind, I always say that if I am to have her, I'd want all of her and not just a part of her.

But I'm being hypocritical in the sense that it's not entirely reciprocal.

It's so hard for me to open up and I'm surprised that I've done as much so far.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm afraid of.

Anything that's happened in my past has already transpired and while they've brought me to the point I am in my life, it's not who I am today.

Maybe I just don't want her to look at me differently.

I don't know.

I just know that I care about her.

A lot.

And I also know that the first time I heard that anger in her voice on account of my actions, my world sank because the last thing I want to do is cause her any discomfort.

But she too isn't the type of person to just jump into things and I'd be a fool to not recognize that there's something growing.

There's so much ugliness in the world.

But being with her, I'm reminded that resplendent things still exist.

We're good.

One day gone and I forget two things.

One of them being pure comfort and the other what gorgeousness looks like.

Time won't give me time, so I'm gonna stop wasting it with incertitude.

Back to keeping things beautiful, 'cause that's what she is to me.

God, that smile and that laugh.

That smile and that laugh.

I don't know if I'd kill for it-- I'm not at that point yet.

But I'd do a lot for it.

Allow logic to stabilize your emotions.

Hotmail just sent me an e-mail entitled: "Make your e-mail count!"

I deleted it... without reading.

Shoooot, son...

Mo'fruckah, I make everything count.

Everything.

And I often find myself asking why do I care?

I just do.

Weird.

Empathy, sympathy, philanthropy, selflessness... -y.

That's always been a certainty.

Ooh... 50 points for vocabulary with multiplier for the rhymage.

I've logged in much thought as to why.

The closest I've ever gotten was this: the imbalance is a balance.

Ooh... 25 bonus points for enigmatic and cryptic wordplay of mind-blowing infinite wisdom.

It's all relative.

I am incapable of motivating myself.

Heralded, but the intention wasn't there.

I'm usually pretty correct in my thinking, good in my decision-making.

Execution? That's always a fickle thing.

As long as you get it done.

I never look like how I feel.

Unfulfillment, dissatisfaction.

I've reached many bars.

Rarely ever my own.

I just can't lose.

Mo'fruckah, I am invincible.

Are you kidding me?

Easy button.

On everything.

It's as if Life just entered the "invincibility" code.

Have no fear. Cover all angles.

Go full out. Appreciate.

Realize the balance of Life.

Be modest in your speech and humble in your winnings.

Live a life worth dying for.

My whole life is distraction--

but you're my favorite one.

Day and night.

Why is it so?

...That this longing for you follows wherever I go?

Not fair.

Real talk.

I find myself asking why all the time.

I haven't had this feeling in a while.

It's a different kind of warmth when she's in my arms.

I am so appreciative of her presence because for whatever reason, it's calming to the point where it's almost tangible and its emollience soothes my physical stresses.

My body ceases to act up when I'm around her.

Crazy, I know. I'm aware that a good chunk of it is mental, but holy damn.

Nothing tame the wild like a woman's embrace, they say.

And it's not some naive notion of affection, the years I've lived up to this point have culminated in a lot of personal wisdom, but when my hand caresses her soft cheeks and I chance upon a look into those duel brown hues...

...Dood, I don't even have a metaphor for that.

And she speaks with a pleasant flow, with a sharp wit unrivaled by many.

I could listen for days.

But have you ever wondered how anyone could ever like you?

There are various reasons as to why I am who I am today.

A good handful of them I hate.

For whatever reason, in the back of my mind, there's that itch that I'm gonna mess something up.

Gotta find that balance.

You could say that I'm intense. I prefer superfluous.

Look at how I treat people.

Exactly.

But Life is something that deserves nothing less than passion, don't you think?

Getting back on track.

Docking out...
-Ryan : Heaven doesn't want me. Hell's afraid I'll take over.

Ryan posted this at 4:42 PM.